Thursday, December 15, 2011

9 Things Women REALLY Should Know About Men: + 1 MORE to Grow On!

I’m in the business of learning more about the natural inclinations of Most women AND Most men with regards to their behavioral psychology in and around relationships. I have many, many conversations about this subject with men I know personally- as well as with strangers- from various socioeconomic backgrounds, living and working within a multitude of income levels and a host of professions; including the unemployed. There is no shame in my thang! I’ll ask a brotha in the street why he just looked at a Sista’s booty as she walked away. I’ll question what prompts those seemingly instinctive behaviors, such as the immediate turning of the head and fixing of the eyes in a downward direction at an angle ranging between 75 and 45 degrees from ground to “standard” eye level, all in order to catch a glimpse of a woman’s booty as she knowingly or unknowingly passes by. I want to know what he noticed about her, first; what his booty-looking criteria are; and, what his thoughts were as his eyes gazed penetratingly at her bum. Was he aroused in those moments he stared? Was he envisioning a future with her as he watched? Further, had he even thought about his own thinking in that situation before? There is much to learn from the dialogue this line of questioning yields. So, I probe! I want to be in-the-know, in part, so I can share that information with you. I Love You. I encourage you to grow.

Sistren: A whole lotta brothas have a whole lotta things going on. But, they don’t always feel comfortable sharing it with you for fear of what they assume your reaction will be. Men like to keep the peace in their relationships and will do so at any cost. Call it consideration or bitchassness, he has his reasons. Rather than be in judgment and play the victim, let’s FACE HIS TRUTH head on. This is more about understanding his core concerns and behaviors and accepting his right to be. The more information we have, the better decisions we can make. After reading this, you’ll no longer be able to say you didn’t know or to pretend these FACTS don’t exist. Most men’s needs, within the structure of a heterosexual monogamous relationship, are pretty straightforward and consistent, across the board. Don’t believe what I’m saying. Just BE IN-THE-KNOW.

1.    He WANTs To Tell You MOST Things- Ideally, he would Love to be able to have someone to confide in. Even if he’s not hiding information, he just might not be talking about it. It may not have even crossed his mind. No one tells anyone everything. At best, MOST PEOPLE will only tell you SOME things {draw a Venn diagram}. There are those instances, however, where his silence equals all kinds of lies and deception. When he feels there’s a situation that threatens his security in the relationship, he won’t tell you anything! Some men will go to their graves with all the secrets they kept from the women they “loved”. If he is being dishonest or withholding critical data from you, he did himself a disservice long before he mislead you. And, he’s hurting because he has an unnecessary, unbearable weight on his shoulders. Know that this is all about his relationship with self. But, keep in mind, you may be silently contributing to his destructive behavior. Either way, you’ll need to focus on what you can garner from what he IS telling you. Ignoring the truth harms you both and it’s harmful to the union. Listen to what he’s really saying by remaining open; non judgmental. Just listen. He wants an ear, not a mouth. Can you give him that? Sure you can! :-)  In this way, you’ll discover how he’s feeling and what his current pressing concerns are. Then, you can ascertain how you can assist. It may mean encouraging him to get help and/or becoming acquainted with who he really is as a person.

2.    He Wants Acceptance- Acceptance is all about Honesty and value; Loving what you’ve got and choosing to work with it. He does not want to be judged. He just wants you to accept him exactly as he is; ACCEPT HIM FOR HIS TRUTH. Bottom line is, EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO BE WHO THEY ARE. Women place so many expectations on men. On the one hand, we want them to feel comfortable enough to do right. Yet, on the other hand, we have our own picture of what that should look like. Of course, We Should have that picture~ Before We Choose the person!! Rather than accepting This Person for who He Is, we expect him to be who we want him to be. As a result, many men begin to wear the masks you feel comfortable seeing them in. Of course, men must be accountable and responsible in their decision-making and actions. In turn, women must HONESTLY encourage them to do so. Part of The Art of Being Woman is creating an environment where your man feels comfortable enough to confide in you. In order to do that, you need to be honest with yourself about WHO HE REALLY IS and how that factors into the relationship. Are you willing and able to accept him, flaws and all? Or, are there some things you prefer not to see or know? If the latter is true, you have some major decisions to make concerning the future of your relationship, that is, if your own health and happiness are paramount. Being true to you is prerequisite to expecting the same from him.
3.    You Cannot Change Him- so don’t Even try! OMG!! Are there still sistas tryna do this?!! Seriously??? #C’monSon. No one owns another. Therefore, no one can change another. Now you know the only one you can change is YourSelf. What you can do, with your womanly art, is INFLUENCE YOUR MAN TO CHANGE HIMSELF. Be his Inspiration! Be attentive in your listening, ask him what he likes, what he wants- and, listen! If you’re Willing, CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR according to what he tells you. Remember, real change begins in darkness and silence. It happens gradually. It’s unforced. Before anyone knows what’s happened, things are already different!

4.    He Needs Space- Give the brotha some room!! Can he breathe? He has to have something to call his own! The household is really and truly your domain. If he happens to have a mancave within that, then bless his heart. Otherwise, his car/the bus/train/boat and wherever he goes are all the space he has to himself. Do not attempt to control every aspect of the relationship. Naturally, he will resist your efforts to keep him within your grasp. The challenge is to trust; to strike a balance between the urge to dominate and the power to release attachment. We must learn to honor his desire to get away from it all sometimes, even if that means spending longer periods of time away from us than we want him to. You would do best to utilize any separation time to improve yourself by honoring your time alone. You’ll be all the better for it, and so will he. Whether time away is several hours, days, weeks or months it can make reuniting that much sweeter. ;-)

5.    He Needs Motivation- When I began this post, in October, that Kelly Rowland song, featuring Lil Wayne, “Motivation” was playing over and over in my mind, mostly because it was in heavy rotation on Pandora the day before I sat down to write. Anyway, in the middle of my writing, I decided to ask one of my male cousins to chime in with any enlightening thoughts he could provide. One of the first things he said was, “A man wants a woman who motivates him to be the the hunter/warrior he naturally is.”……Ahhh, of course he does!!.. {And, that’s why the song in my head.} What good is the hunt if he is to keep the rewards all to himself? A man wants to feel like he has a purpose when he goes out into the world to handle his biz. Now that you’re together, you are his main motivating factor. You’re the reason he makes it happen every day. And, quiet as it’s kept, you need to constantly remind him what it’s all for. When a man is out there doing his thing for his family day in and day out, he could use all the stimulation he can get. His job, regardless of what it is, isn’t that easy and no one can show him more appreciation than his reason for persevering through the ups and downs of it all. Sure more money, recognition, perks and career advancement are each substantial motivating factors in their own right. But, when a man is in a committed relationship with a woman, his enthusiasm comes from knowing she values his efforts. He wants you to motivate him. Just refer back to all the things he told you he likes and wants. You were listening, right? You’ll know what to do.
6.    He Thrives Off Feeling Needed- A confident, secure and “independent” woman is one thing. But, when you show him you don’t need him, he’ll go looking for someone who does. Whether he gets off on feeling needed sexually, financially, emotionally, spiritually, hand-ily { fixing things} or a combination of the above, depends on his core character and the dynamics of your particular relationship. The thing to know is that he wants to feel indispensable and irreplaceable. So long as you intend for your relationship to grow, you must learn to project that energy toward him. This may require some relearning on your part. Allow him to do things for you. Don’t take that away from him. Try not to be in control, all the time. Many of us have been reared by and/or around single mothers who constantly uttered the phrase I don’t need a man! Well, If you’re working on having a fruitful relationship with one, you do. And, he needs to feel it.  

7.    His Little Boy Lives- Despite that tough exterior you admire, he still has that sweet, innocent little boy he once was somewhere deep inside him {even if it was only for a moment during his real life growing up}. Many men didn’t even get to experience childhood when they were children, a whole ‘notha dynamic, that is! His little boy wants to feel Loved and cared for, protected, catered to, pampered and, most of all, SUPPORTED- just like your little girl. Yes, brothas are work!! So are women. And, isn’t it all worth it? A man has a special place in his heart for a woman who practices The Art of Nurturing. It makes him feel more secure, confident and Loved. Get in touch with your inner Motha Nature. Take care of him. Rest assured, your warmth will be treasured.

 8. He LOVES Women- and can’t even help it. You should be glad for that..Right? What are you gonna do?! It’s his nature; it’s 80% of who he is!! {Heck, I’m being modest}  What’s the harm in that, though? Keep in mind that MOST men who consciously decide to enter monogamous relationships aren’t going to behave as sexual adventurers carrying on with the uninhibited experiences of their past. HOWEVER, MOST MEN ARE CONNOISSEURS OF THE FEMININE PRINCIPLE. That is, they truly appreciate AND desire to experience a variety of women And Will Do So Over the Course of Their Entire Lives. The specifics of that statement will vary from man to man. And, whether or not he chooses to have those experiences in ways you may not be comfortable with, that is for the two of you to communicate about. But, one thing remains constantàMEN LOVE WHAT THEY LOVE AND DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO. Period. You have no control over that and I didn’t make that Ishhh up!  So, whether he’s into specific types of women, certain characteristics particular women possess, or just women in general, the interest and passion are there. You need to be aware of that {if you weren’t already}. You might not be tryna hear this right now, but, Sistas… I GOT NEWS!!! Like I done said before~ MOST MEN. #ImJusSayin  #NowYouKnow More Importantly, Know That HE LOVES YOU.

9.  Him WANTING MORE Does Not Mean YOU AREn’t ENOUGH- Now, this is going to take a bit of explaining. I told you men are Connoisseurs! Most Men tend to have that special one- or two, #JustKeepinItReal- that they prize over all the others. But, what’s the definition of a connoisseur? You’re probably not that happy with me right now and, most likely, you don’t really wanna hear this either, but, in most cases, more than most are willing to admit, IT’S NOT ONLY ABOUT YOU. You are in a relationship, right? So, it’s also about him and what he needs, wants, who he is. Get to know him better. I know, I know: Not My Man! Okay. You may very well be the only one he’s having physical intercourse with, but you may not be the only object of his fancy or attention. That’s okay, right? Do you discuss that? Or, is that the elephant in the room? On the extreme end, we all know of cases where a man is leading this seemingly wonderful home life with the most loving and beautiful woman, yet neither she nor we knew he had a whole other family around the corner for years. Whether you relate to this scenario through someone as close as in our own neighborhood or as far away as Hollywood, the fact remains that there exists some deep dysfunction in the Perfect Relationship as we know it. He obviously wanted more!! Does that mean his wife wasn’t enough? Perhaps that’s not the question we should be asking: Am I not enough for you? After all, how does one, in the aforementioned man’s position, answer that {even before he gets into that position, so to speak}? Perhaps, asking him questions like: What do you really like? What would an ideal relationship look like to you? Does it involve just me for always and forever? Or, is there a possibility that you would consider “being with” other women? How would you have handled his honest answer {had he given it to you early on in your relationship, way before the other family?} YOU HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTIONS IF YOU WANT TO GET THE ANSWERS. Maybe, the question for you is: DO YOU REALLY WANT THE ANSWERS? Regardless of your response, it has to be something you can live with. Your health and happiness are foremost. Remember that. Sadly, in most cases, the lines of communication between men and women aren’t open, so you may not ever get an honest answer. In more instances than you may be aware of, he wants the Ride Or Die {that’s you}, yet he, also, wants to avail himself to others, should the opportunity present itself. #ImJustTheMessenger  How many times have you heard the phrase All men want their cake and eat it, too? What about this one: What’s better than pussy? NEW PUSSY! Did I make those up????? OH. Are you still listening??? Are you gaining anything from this? What will you walk away from here with? Are you happy and secure in your relationship with him? Do you know he truly cares about you? Can you feel and see his Love for you? Isn’t that level of security what matters most IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM? Then, there ya’ go! #RunWitIt   

**BONUS +1**  Head Is Important- Yup! I said it. And, you know what I mean. You weren’t ready for that one, huh?!! Listen, I surveyed a pool of roughly 100 men between the ages of 25-45 and 9 out of 10 rated the skill set, scientifically known as fellatio, as VERY IMPORTANT. In instances where it wasn’t that important for a man’s significant other to be able to perform, further questioning revealed that he would seek or was receiving oral stimulation elsewhere. It’s a fact! Men’s beef with women who do not perform for them is that said women don’t take issue with being on the receiving end of the equation. Do they have a point? Love it or not, they want what they want. What about you?! How important is it for you to be the recipient of oral inspiration? {Be honest.} How long can you go without it? And, if you’ve gone without it in your relationship, for whatever reason, did there come a time when you had to sit him down and have “the talk” about why that’s important to you? #One2GrowOn


  1. Motha Nature, I'm applauding you right now! To write about it in such an funny and interesting way, I see you have put some if not all these in to thought or play. I am going to share until I can't share any more!!! Hitting the LOVE IT button right now!

  2. Yay!! Thanks for the feedback. Was really wondering what people are thinking out there. Thanks for Sharing!!! LOVE YOU~~~ :-)

  3. Sis. you went-in on this peace! I have to post this on my fb feed. ; )

    This dialogue is a good start. But you and I both know, much deep personal, then interpersonal work has to happen for both genders to find a healthy balance in dealing with these issues. Maybe after reading this post, a few folk (male and female) may be open to doing some inner work. And it ain't easy.

    I would like to add two things. You might want to survey the bros/sisters on this one.

    1. I have been told more than once by sisters (scratch that,by women): "well if you are going to see anyone else, I just don't want to know about it. Is ignorance really that bliss?

    2. Why do folk after being told by their mate, that they are seeing someone else ask- do you love him/her?

    Does your not loving the other person make it easier to digest? (this is where a lot of brothers lie to save the relationship. Unfortunately, I'm not that bright).

    Does love have to be exclusive? Does that make us feel special? Do we cease to be special if love is shared?

  4. Thanks Kazi!!! LOL..about you not bein 'that bright'!! You're Honest in your relationships, a Rare and Special quality all its own. For that You Shine! I LOVE your comments. Speaking of Love, the very Science of it demands elevation and expansion. You're right on point about how love equates exclusivity in this society, especially for women. That you must be special because he loves you and only you for always and forever translates into "I'm not special. I'm flawed. I'm a failure in relationships. I must not be lovable", if he sees someone else. Women are taught that our worth is predicated on everything outside ourselves. We even place value on whether or not we're in a relationship {regardless of what that relationship looks like and who it's with!- "I [she] got somebody I [she] must be doin somethin right"}. And, yes, many women love their Ostrich Lives; feeling that if he or no one else tells them, they can pretend to be content. But, as I'm sure you already know, women can ignore our Intuitive Nature by Choice, but we always know when a man is "wandering". Eventually, it manifests, "As Above, So Below". I know I'm just preaching to the choir..LOL. Glad you see this post for exactly what it is~ A Start! MAY MORE HONEST, OPEN CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE... *Thanks for Sharing!!!

  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...