Saturday, April 16, 2011

9 Things Women Should Understand About Dating

During most of my high school years and throughout much of my time in college, I felt extremely lonely when it came to the dating scene. Many of my friends were hooked up with someone and I never felt like anyone was interested in least, not the brothas whose attention I wanted, anyway. In all honesty, I turned away many a young man I wasn't interested in, for one reason or another. The way I saw it, the ones I desired, weren't paying me any mind at all. In fact, a few seemed to be downright ignoring me! You know those teen television shows/movies when they depict the generic high school hallway scene where the boy and girl are approaching each other, looking all dreamy and whatnot? The scene usually plays out this way:
He's the popular guy and she's average. He has a huge smile on his face that he appears to be flashing at her. They get closer. He walks past the average girl, nearly knocking her down, only to meet up with the "pretty" girl, who was standing behind the average girl the entire time!! That was my life. In hindsight, it really wasn't. That's just how I perceived it back then. I had tons of esteem issues. And, like many young women, I placed way too much emphasis and energy into trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why nobody wanted to be with me. I was so busy being a victim, I didn't even realize that I Was BeautyFull~ Inside and Out!!! And, less importantly {but, wish I woulda known then}, despite what I didn't feel about myself, brothas were really diggin me on the Dee El!

It wasn't until reuniting with old friends on this wonderful social networking website named Facebook via that fabulous, fairly modern invention known as the internet, that one of my dearest college friends explained the prevailing male mindset, from his perspective, to me. He basically told me that because I was perceived as a nice girl, the {decent} brothas on Campus knew if they got involved with me, they'd have to put in work. P.S.~Most of the  male population, at the University, knew my virginity status and, therefore, did not want to be my first. They, already, understood the intense emotional connection and neediness, if you will, many women exhibit as a result of having had their first experience. {Even in their youth, men know more about us then we know about ourselves!} Bottom line, we were all young and no one was looking to become involved in long-term relationships or get married.. Except, for most of the women! My Loves, I tell you all of this to address one simple fact~ There are many things we women don't understand about ourselves; about men; and, about dating. Right now, let's discuss the latter in 9 key points.

The Empress sits in Her Royal Court surrounded
by a multitude of Suitors. Each deems himself deserving of her hand. All will
take their stance. Only He who Wisely considers the Magnitude of his approach
YET Advances in Pursuit Will Acquire her Affection. Like the Lion, He Prances
Assuredly, Boldly, with Courage. He is the Worthiest of all~ a God among men.

9 Things Women Should Understand About Dating:
  1. You Are The Prize~ He knows this. Do you? So long as you know it, you will receive treatment in kind. He'll be willing to put in work if he wants to be with you. Do Not expect or accept anything less. Like my wise young brotha, RahGor says, "If he don't sweat for you, don't let him sweat on you." BAMMM..Period. End of statement. Which part don't you understand?? ..... Exactly.
  2. You Have The Power~ You are the one who gets to choose if, when and where the relationship is going. It's all in your hands! Sistas, we are famous for relinquishing our power. Don't allow him to dictate how you should respond. Be proactive {that's a med, right? Proactive?}. YOU MUST SET THE STANDARD..I talk more about that in: 7 Things Women Should Let Men Do For Them While Dating. Trust your intuition. "Who feels it knows it."~Bob Marley If it doesn't feel right, chances are highly likely that it is not.  
  3. It's All About You~ If he's not making an effort to make you feel that way, that's a sure sign he isn't the best candidate. Develop a routine of checking in with self to see if you are alright throughout the process. Turn your focus inward. Use all your senses. What's your gut feeling when you're together. Do you like what you see {with your intuitive and visible eyes}? Ask yourself logical questions like, Would you employ an unskilled plumber over a professional, if you're seeking top performance? YOU need and want the best possible man for the job. There Are Plenty of Qualified Applicants!! You have to really know that. If he isn't the one, don't settle for less.  Remember, YOU ARE THE PRIZE. You allowed him access inside the heavily guarded gates of your stadium. Eventually, he's going to want snacks and souvenirs! So, he should, at least, be willing to learn your language; become fluent in You. An unwillingness to do so would indicate a lack of commitment, on his part, to authentically experience the dating process with you. The dating arena is where he gets to show off his skills- to you. That's a requirement.
  4. His Actions = His Issues~ He has Rights and Reasons for doing what he does. Everyone is Free to make their own decisions regarding their behavior. Do not own his actions. They are not your responsibility. Sometimes, we energize thoughts like He did this, So does that mean .... ? In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't even matter. Don't devote too much time and effort into deciphering his behavior. The purpose of him participating in the dating process with you, in the first place, is to win the prize! That's on him.
  5. He Might Not Advance~ Either he or you will determine that. Some men self-destruct. They eliminate themselves from the competition before it even gets underway. There are many reasons a man may default before the match is over. Some possible explanations: a)He lacks endurance. b)He decides he doesn't have what it takes to win you. c)He's not willing to put in the work. d)He lacks self confidence; and, more... Dating is a trial phase. You get to know each other; see if it's something that can work. It may or may not be! If not, that's ok. Whether he was or wasn't "that into you" isn't significant. He eliminated himself from the competition. Be Thankful that the way is now clear for yet, another, possibility.   
  6. He Does Not See You~ You, as a unique individual, are a foreign concept to him. As much as women are known for saying, "All men are alike!", we are known, equally, for admitting, "I thought he was different." We women love hard. We do our best to see each man as a separate entity filled with potential. We open our hearts and our entire being, faithfully anticipating that this one is The One. We seek out subtle nuances that, in our minds, differentiate him from the group he would otherwise be cast with. We even think we can change him! Anything is possible is our motto each and every time we meet someone new. Like Jesse Jackson, we "Keep Hope Alive!!" That's a great outlook to have. Unfortunately, though, they don't typically think that way about us. In his mind, all women are alike: We say one thing, mean another and act a whole notha way, altogether! Women don't know what they want and will settle for just about anything. On top of men's already preconceived notions about us, they are certain that once they start hittin all the right spots, we'll be their ride or die. They could be screwin somebody else in our bed {while we're layin right there!!} and convince us we must have been dreaming! {Maybe, that's a little extreme..but, you get the picture.} Remember that song, "It Wasn't Me" Some of y'all know exactly what I'm saying is true!! Where do you think men get those ideas from? Where do they get the gall to even try that ishhh out in the first place? At what point in the dating phase did he realize he could turn you against yourself? ..Hmmm.. You have to mean what you say and say what you mean. Otherwise, Sis..You mess it up for All Of Us!   
  7. He Will Test You~When it comes to dating, most men are basically playing a game. There's nothing wrong with games. Games challenge us to achieve preexisting goals and to set new ones; they test our endurance; prompt creativity; and, require critical thinking. Sure, he likes you and wants to get to know more about you, but he, also, wants to learn what makes you tick. He even wants to find out, as one of my bredrin told me, verbatim, "If she got a little freak in her". He will attempt to push you to your limit; test your character, your loyalty to him {even in this early stage}. Why? Somewhere in his sick psychology he was told by other men who learned from some other men who learned from other men who had experiences with women who showed them that if a woman has feelings for a man, she will: fight other women for him, cry over him, stalk him and, even, deceive herself for him {In some cases, he may have even learned that dumb ishhh from his own mama}.There is a consensus, among many men, that if a woman doesn't get emotional, she doesn't really care. Sistas, we must learn to better manage our emotions; to master our emotions. We must remind one another of the power we possess, even by our own example. When one of us doesn't take the bull, it inspires the rest of us to be as committed.    
  8. You Should Test Him~ Do not allow him to turn the tables on you; making you feel as if you're the one on the stand. **Reminder: His goal is to get in with you. Men will employ the techniques of a trickster if they feel it's worth it to them! You may end up shattered, as a result. Yes, be open to the possibility of things working out wonderfully. No. You don't have to be cunning, like the proverbial Eve. But, be wise. Stand within your fortress. Be astute in your efforts to meet your goal of, ultimately, employing the right candidate. I'm not saying all, or most, men are conniving sneaks with ulterior motives of baggin and leavin. Apparently, nice guys have some of those same intentions, too. You do want to know where he's coming from and where he is right now. No one is going to be "nice" all the time. At the same time, you want to see a person's truth, their fullness. What makes him happy? What disturbs him? Makes him uncomfortable? Is he working out his issues? Does he address questions you've posed immediately? Or, does he wait to see if you'll forget? How does he interact with peers? Colleagues? Among women? In public with you? He'll show you and tell you everything you need to know. Watch and listen keenly.
  9. He Is Not "Your Man"~ He is not committed to you!! You do not own him. What he does, irrespective of your dating relationship, has nothing to do with you {unless, of course, it can harm you in some way}. Dating is temporary. It's an examination phase before you move on to the next level. Enjoy it for what it is. Don't commit yourself to predetermining THIS IS IT before you do a complete assessment of the person and situation at hand. Expect Respect, Gifts, Household Repairs, Time, Energy and all kinds of other perks. Whatever you do, Do Not Demand His Total and Complete Devotion to You.....just yet.   


  1. Whew chile that was LENGTHY but totally worth reading. I disagree about you being, "the average girl". There is absolutely NOTHING average about you (not back then & not now)... but as stated in your post, that was your perception.

    This would be a great article for Essence Mag. You should consider submitting it to them.

  2. Thanks Mayne!! I will certainly submit it. Perhaps you can help me tweak it a bit..LOL. I know it's lengthy. It started out with 3 sentences per each item listed..then GREW!!!!!!! For future, I will {attempt} to limit myself to a prescribed number of sentences per item and/or paragraph.

    ~Love that you're reading~ Smooches...

  3. You know I love the Empress graphic and accompanying quote! Interesting! "All's fair in love and war!" :)


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